Putting Up a Big-ass Wall

Please forgive my digression for a moment -- there's a point I wanted to make at the end of a little personal history :)

When I was growing up, my parents fought a lot ... and then they got divorced at an early age. This meant moving to the big city, where I felt really out of place and insecure. I never really fit in again after that. I made a few close friends, but then we moved again and I had to start the process all over. Having poor social intelligence skills didn't make this easy.

I cried a lot; I'd cry when I was sad, I'd cry when I lost or didn't get my way, I'd cry for no reason whatsoever. This led me to be further ostracized (boys don't cry), which led me to become even more disconnected from the people around me.

Eventually I learned to hide my feelings. I put up a big wall around me: wearing lots of black clothing, adopting an uncooperative attitude at school, being pretty negative about things and generally pushing people away from me. It wasn't a very wise adaptation, but building a wall did its job: it kept me safe from ridicule. This wall became deeply embedded into my psyche, and to this day it's hard for me to let down my guard regarding really private things ... things that reveal too much of my true character.

The point of all this?

When I talk about disconnection, it's not just some broad concept about our larger culture. I'm talking about it on a very personal level. Most of my friends don't even notice that there's a big-ass wall in front of them -- it's simply a part of being Erik.

I still struggle to open up to the rhythms of the natural world, to the thoughts and feelings of others ... it's very difficult for me. I can appreciate nature on an intellectual level, and I can relate to other people on an emotional and empathic level. But there's still a really big disconnect.

I have to imagine that this is the same type of difficulty people raised thinking that "meat comes from the grocery store!" have when you try to talk to them about factory farm practices. It's really hard to make that conceptual leap, because it doesn't just require new facts ... or a paradigm shift. It requires opening up a part of yourself to the unknown.



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Yes, grammar nazis: When you put 'big-ass' in the title, it is proper to hyphenate it and capitalize the first letter of the word.

And in the Darkness Bind Them ...

I used to watch the 700 Club once in a while for a good laugh*.

One of their more common segments was how "(insert name) had a hole in their heart, was doing all sorts of self-destructive things, and then came to find salvation in Jesus. You, too, have a hole in your heart. You know it's there ... a hollow place that's looking for meaning. You can find this meaning in Jesus Christ!"

Christianity is a movement that responded to the increased sense of disconnection felt by members of the aggressive culture that was spreading throughout the middle east.

As developed over 3 centuries, Christianity differentiated itself from Judaism by asserting that although you're an awful terrible sinner, that a god (one of your betters, which you learned from an early age was an important thing to keep track of) has sacrificed himself so that you can be saved.

The sense of disconnection you feel? A pang of guilt over the culture you're participating in, the pain of backbreaking labor? All of this is easily explained -- this life is meant to be painful and cruel. Your eternal reward comes when you die, but only if you play along while you're still alive.

There are many adaptations in our culture that account for, and even justify the sense of disconnection we feel. As you might expect, these memes have evolved to become quite powerful over the past 2,000 years. These concepts are often so deeply embedded into our culture, that it's a bit difficult to recognize them sometimes.


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* Yes yes, I know ... I used to get a good laugh from tracking the exploits of right-wing nutcases. I have an odd sense of humor! :)

A Palpable Sense of Disconnection

This is a concept I've been tossing around in my head over the weekend, it's a bit difficult to articulate right now due to lingering toxicity (which interferes with cognitive functioning). So I may take a page from Ran Prieur, and simply explore the idea a bit at a time.

It's a premise of mine that the members of our culture are very disconnected from a number of things.

The natural world: This should go without saying ... most people don't even know where their food comes from.

Human community: Getting together in small interest groups, engaging in the public sphere and segmenting yourself into a variety of disparate interest groups is quite a different experience than interacting with a small, close-knit tribe.

Authentic work: Our educational system diverts us from pursuing life-affirming experiences at an early age. Those who do well in this system have the opportunity to engage in creative, interesting work. The rest of us are relegated to work that serves a very narrow purpose ... work that does not provide fulfillment, work that is disconnected from the rhythms of the natural world.

These are fundamentally very humanizing things. The absence of these connections in our life is a significant part of why our culture is more than a bit messed up.