Please forgive my digression for a moment -- there's a point I wanted to make at the end of a little personal history :)
When I was growing up, my parents fought a lot ... and then they got divorced at an early age. This meant moving to the big city, where I felt really out of place and insecure. I never really fit in again after that. I made a few close friends, but then we moved again and I had to start the process all over. Having poor social intelligence skills didn't make this easy.
I cried a lot; I'd cry when I was sad, I'd cry when I lost or didn't get my way, I'd cry for no reason whatsoever. This led me to be further ostracized (boys don't cry), which led me to become even more disconnected from the people around me.
Eventually I learned to hide my feelings. I put up a big wall around me: wearing lots of black clothing, adopting an uncooperative attitude at school, being pretty negative about things and generally pushing people away from me. It wasn't a very wise adaptation, but building a wall did its job: it kept me safe from ridicule. This wall became deeply embedded into my psyche, and to this day it's hard for me to let down my guard regarding really private things ... things that reveal too much of my true character.
The point of all this?
When I talk about disconnection, it's not just some broad concept about our larger culture. I'm talking about it on a very personal level. Most of my friends don't even notice that there's a big-ass wall in front of them -- it's simply a part of being Erik.
I still struggle to open up to the rhythms of the natural world, to the thoughts and feelings of others ... it's very difficult for me. I can appreciate nature on an intellectual level, and I can relate to other people on an emotional and empathic level. But there's still a really big disconnect.
I have to imagine that this is the same type of difficulty people raised thinking that "meat comes from the grocery store!" have when you try to talk to them about factory farm practices. It's really hard to make that conceptual leap, because it doesn't just require new facts ... or a paradigm shift. It requires opening up a part of yourself to the unknown.
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Yes, grammar nazis: When you put 'big-ass' in the title, it is proper to hyphenate it and capitalize the first letter of the word.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Putting Up a Big-ass Wall
Posted by Erik at 8:00 AM
Tags: disconnection, personal story
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I've wondered if there is a connection between my having kept myself somewhat socially isolated all my life, and now NEEDING to be isolated. Did we not immunize ourselves to humanization, and hence subject ourselves to developing MCS? I've thought about asking other MCSers about their backgrounds leading up to The Big Divide.
I understand what you mean, but I think the science is pretty well settled on MCS.
If we lived in a nontoxic setting, I don't think socialization would be a component of MCS. It's only an issue because people hang around toxic crud a lot and carry it around with them.
Do you think we avoided people because we sensed that they were toxic? When I look back on my childhood, I see things like: I cried and refused to go in (chlorinated) swimming pools, but would swim ceaselessly in a freezing cold (chlorine-free, salt-free) Lake Superior. Everyone thought I hated swimming, but it seems obvious to me now I just hated the chlorine. I remember hating the smell and the way it made my eyes burn. Also I hated the showers at the public pool, which smelled like chorine. I cried when I had to use those.
So did I avoid people to avoid their toxins? I spent most of my years in my bedroom, away from my family. I used to be chastised for that.
Now I am visiting my parents, at age 39, and again staying up in my bedroom a lot because it's just easier to breathe up here.
I wonder if it's why I avoided people so many years. The idea of going to a bar was mad to me, as was going to a party. (not that I got invited much at all) People stopped invited me places because I only liked being with one friend at a time, and never in a people-filled atmosphere.
I felt out of it in public places like that, or parties. Like everyone else was experiencing something way different than me (and definitely way better). I believe now that they were. I tended to get depressed and feel weird in these settings, and lost my ability to communicate. And lost my energy.
Sorry for the ramblings...I'm still fairly new to full-blown MCS and I'm trying to figure it all out. I am overwhelmed. I can't believe I'm completely incompatible with the world now, but it seems that I am. I feel like I passed through a door, or fell down a rabbit hole, and I can't get back to the other side.
You're describing patterns that may indicate early MCS symptoms, and avoidance of them on a subconscious level. I can point to some things in my life that indicate similar behaviors. I'm pretty sure my teenage angst and surliness was exacerbated by exposure to mold and laundry toxins in the basement, for example.
I'd just throw up a caution flag. It's easy with a life-altering illness to see everything through the filter of a life-altering illness. But sometimes we're just antisocial or geeky just because ... well, because we're antisocial and geeky :) An extroverted personality naturally gains energy by being around people, whereas an introverted personality loses energy by being around people. This is a characteristic independent of MCS.
Feel free to ramble anytime :)
Thanks.
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